And let me tell you there were a lot, let me stress that, a lot of terrible movies last year. So before I start the actual countdown I have some dishonorable mentions; Flightplan, Saw 2, Doom, and Into the Blue. I weep for the fact that those titles aren’t in the top five, but sadly there are far worse.
5) “The Amityville Horror”
Plot Outline: A family moves into a house where disturbing and grizzly murders took place before. Now they are faced with evil spirits that torment them and drive the Father of the family crazy.
In this gem they try to create an atmosphere of horror by the use of disturbing visuals, whose look and style seemed to be copied straight from “The Ring”. My favorite scene is when the ghost of the little girl who was killed in the house before, appears in the “current” little girl’s room. She appears to be soaked with water and has a noose tied around her neck, which I’m sure was meant to shock and creep people out. But it makes no sense! If you watch the beginning of the movie you see that she is shot while in her closet, how they got from that to her being hanged I’ll never know.
Then there was whispering of evil spirits that come from the basement. Every time you hear them the camera zooms in on the heating grate. So I have to assume that the evil spirits dwell within the furnace, turning it into some kind of dark and evil furnace of doom. A truly frightening notion!
So if ever I want to see a cheesy movie about a haunted house which is loosely based on a true story I’ll put in the original 1979 feature. Because if a copy of this ever found its way to my DVD player, it would be my house that would become haunted.
Plot Outline: A once hostage negotiator and now small town cop must negotiate with some men after they take a rich family hostage. But there is information that mysterious figures don’t want found in that house, so they kidnap the negotiator’s family. Now he must save the people in the house as well as his own family while making sure that the information is never found by the authorities.
This is supposed to be fast paced and suspenseful, but it is neither and is rather cheesy and unrealistic. I’ve seen more plausible circumstances in anime cartoons. You don’t really care about any of the characters because they are boring and are portrayed by actors that seem not to care.
Then there are the themes that are never resolved. First the struggles of the main character’s family because of his career change. In the beginning this is emphasized and in the end is never resolved as if it were never mentioned. And of course there is my personal favorite. One of the men who are holding the rich family hostage, named Mars, has this infatuation with the teenage daughter. The movie keeps you thinking that this guy is going to rape her; he even goes as far as tying her up to the bed with her legs spread. But that ends with the same recurring theme that happens with these two characters. The camera zooms in showing only his face as he stares at her with this blank look, while the cheesiest violin music I’ve ever heard plays in the background. Now that’s good directing!
Then there is the ending where the negotiator perfectly executes every situation. Saving the rich family and using the hidden information to find his family, taking out their captors and administrating his own brand of justice.
3) “Hide and Seek”
Plot Outline: A psychiatrist and his daughter move to a new home after their mothers/wife’s suicide. After the move the daughter makes a new “imaginary” friend, named Charlie, terrible reoccurrences of the suicide start to appear with cryptic messages pointing the blame at the father. Who tries find out if Charlie is a product of his child’s imagination or a real person playing a sick game.
This movie tries to build suspense over the question, who is Charlie? It fails. Throughout the movie you are basically watching a strange little girl being psychoanalyzed by her father because of her anti-social behavior and belief in her “imaginary” friend. This is interrupted by the occasional message written on the inside of the bath tub by Charlie, not very exciting for psychological thriller is it?
If that boring dilemma wasn’t bad enough I had to see the ever so un-original ending. I won’t outright give it away, but I will say I thought it was a lot cooler when it was the ending to “Fight Club” and “Secret Window”.
2) “The Island”
Plot Outline: A story of a man and a woman’s survival after they find out their entire world is a lie. They find out they are in fact human clones to be used as spare parts for the people they are cloned from.
Does this story sound familiar to you? Maybe should because it was movie from 1979 called “Parts: The Clonus Horror”. This in its self wouldn’t be all that bad if it was called a remake, but the director and writers claim it to be an original creation. So it is in fact one of the biggest plagiarisms I have ever seen, which alone is enough to get it on this list.
Not only is the story plagiarized but the visual look and environment of the facility where the clones were kept was completely plagiarized from George Lucas’ first film “THX-1138”. Hell even the big chase seen where the two clones are escaping from the facility is ripped off nearly frame by fame from “THX-1138”.
All plagiarisms aside this also had the most and most blatant advertisements I have ever seen. My favorite is when the two clones are drinking water and the camera zooms real close onto the waitress’ tray. Then she sets the Aquafina bottle logo towards the camera perfectly framed (kind of like at the end of a commercial) and it freezes there for a couple of seconds.
Then there are the most un-believable action sequences ever caught on film. There is actually one point in the movie when the two main characters fall from the top of a sky-scraper and survive because they are caught in a flimsy net. And of course these clones that have been coddled their entire lives are suddenly great fighters, know how to use guns, and defeat the “bad guys”, who are trained ex-special ops military men. The film claims this is because every human has the will to survive, but am I really supposed to believe that two people who knew nothing of fighting and violence can defeat trained professionals?
1) “The Cave”
Plot Outline: After the largest underground network of caves in the world is discovered a team of professional cave divers explore. Only to find themselves trapped with mysterious and bloodthirsty creatures that dwell within the cave.
This movie was so bad I might have trouble conveying how bad it was.
There was of course the acting. The actors didn’t look like they cared and if they did they might want to consider a new profession.
All the characters those actors had to portray were one-dimensional and stereotypical. You have the tough woman who wants to keep up with the boys, the sexy smart woman who doesn’t know how sexy she is, the reserved leader who knows what’s best for his team but they don’t always respect or listen to him, the wild man who questions the leader and makes his own rules, and the smart mouthed “hip” black guy.
Then there are the monsters that are hunting them. They are comprised of the only CGI that might be worse than that in “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. Throughout the movie they kept the origins of these horribly generated beings a mystery, but when they actually reveal the truth it is a laugh out load moment. At the beginning of the movie you see three men enter the cave but become trapped. These men are in fact the creatures who “evolved” to survive in a light deprived and harsh environment.
Oh and did I mention that when they bite someone those people start to turn into bad computer generated creatures as well? This doesn’t make any sense in the fact that the creatures are humans that “evolved” to survive in an environment. How would having the power to turn people/potential prey for food into the same beings as them help them any? Maybe they have an “evolved” need for strange underground creature friendship. Or the “filmmakers” wanted a cheap ploy to ad corny un-effective suspense?
And of course there was the environment. The cave walls looked like a bad set made out of papier-mâché and if there was no set and the image was computer generated, then it looked like computer generated cave walls made of papier-mâché. This cave that was also supposed to be so dark was surprisingly well lit until the story called for it to be dark. And of course there is the fact that caves are supposed to be claustrophobic, this one is as wide open as you can get without being outside. Then again it is the biggest network of caves in the world.